I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
