I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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