It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
