Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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