You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
