Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
