He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
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I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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