found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
