Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
