I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
