If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
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Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
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All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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