I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
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