everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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