She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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