Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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