Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
