i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
