You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
