its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Is Oprah even human
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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