Dude my mom stole all your condoms
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
