I hate all girls vehemently.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
