The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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