I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
