shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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