how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
