I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
