can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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