god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
