allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
