dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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