On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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