The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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