I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
