Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Randomize
