Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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