It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
