Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
