Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
