i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
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I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
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I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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