Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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