how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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