a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
