my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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