low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
