Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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