I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
