Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
