I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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