toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
