Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
