My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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