I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
