I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
