WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
