Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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