Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
