my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
