Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
