also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
