Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
