so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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