It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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